Hot off the press. In time for 2013! Forget Pearson and those other high-rolling corporations. I have designed the perfect teacher evaluation system! It’s available now. And for those states who have received Race to the Top monies I am happy to say that we can do business together. I’ll only need a few million to come and “personally train” all your otherwise ill-equipped doofus teachers. We all need to be ACCOUNTABLE after all … don’t we????
I will stream line everything. You and your teachers won’t have to lift a finger. Just cut me a check and I’ll take care of that messy public education system for you. Buy now, and we’ll throw in four free “fire your teachers for you” bonus packages so you won’t have to deal with that icky business.
But first, you must KNOW who the BAD teachers are! Right??? Well, here it is!
Of course you want a sample at least, before you buy. I understand. So here’s a sample of brand new, highly- complicated-too-hard- for-you- to- do- yourself NEW TEACHER EVALUATION SYSTEM.
CHECK ALL THAT APPLY TO YOU
You Might be a Bad Teacher If:
___ You avoid, at all costs, teaching “those kids” (“those” being defined by your racial prejudice or bias of choice).
____ You have no problem when the district increases your class size. What’s the big deal? Just tell the kids to shut the fuck up and hand out more work sheets.
_____ You think standardized testing is an accurate way to assess meaningful learning.
_____ You believe one size does fit all. Facts are facts, right? What’s the big deal? Culture and lived experiences should stay outside of schools.
____ Basal readers, worksheets, and curriculum guides are your best (and only) curricular resources.
_____ Without a daily curriculum guide you would be lost.
______ You always follow directions with blind allegiance.
_____ Parents and students get in the way of your otherwise beautiful lesson plans.
_____ You’ve stuck your head so far in the sand that you’re pooping sandcastles.
______ Your fictional heroes include Delores Umbrage, Martha Stewart (you thought she was real???), Darth Maul, Nurse Ratched, Fagin, Creulla de Vil, and Sauron.
You Might be a Great Teacher If:
______ You are really, really, really, REALLY …. pissed off about what’s happening in education reform.
______ You KNOW what’s really happening in education reform (and repeat item #1 as necessary).
______ You can show anyone precisely how your students are performing and learning in your class without executing a single Pearson designed standardized test.
______ You do not -now, nor have you ever- needed a curriculum guide or rigid set of standards to tell you what or how to teach your students.
______ When your students ask, “Why do we need to know this?” you offer meaningful responses that do not include the words “required,” “tested,” or, “common core.”
______ You know that Basal readers make great fire kindling-while great works of literature do not.
______ You know that all students are imaginative, interesting, valuable and capable human beings given the right learning opportunities.
______Your fictional heroes include McGuiver (hey, that guy could build an aircraft out of some toothpaste, a paper clip and ball of yarn), Miss Frizzle, Catness, Shark Boy and Lava Girl, Blade, Atticus Finch and Django (points for hotness here).
And most important: _____ You don’t need some corporate-designed billion dollar Oiji board of a test-driven evaluation system to fucking tell you if you’re a good or a bad teacher. But if you are a bad teacher, do us all a favor and just quit! The money aint’ that good anyway. And if you’re a great teacher- HANG IN THERE! WE NEED YOU!